The Thing is Big Ben #1

28 Mar 1984; Cover price 18p.
32 pages. Colour, tone & B&W.
Marvel Comics Ltd.

Edited by Chris Gill.

Cover by UNKNOWN.

Free paper cap.

Contents:

.2 Bombs Land on Britain advertisement.

.3 Fist & Foremost introduction. / Contents / Indicia

.4 The Thing "This Evil Returning..!" w: Tom DeFalco; p: Ron Wilson, lettering by Joe Rosen.

r: Marvel Two-in-One (Marvel Comics) #92 (Oct 1982).

15 Big Ben's Colouring Competition!

16 The Thing poster. a: Terry Austin.

18 Iron Man Siege!, part one, w: David Michelinie, plot co-written by Bob Layton; p: John Romita, Jr., i: Bob Layton, lettering by Joe Rosen.

r: Iron Man (Marvel Comics) #148 (Jul 1981).

23 Artists Assemble readers art.

24 Donald Dogfly UNTITLED w:/a: Hunt Emerson.

25 Captain America A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste! w: J.M. De Matteis; p: Mike Zeck, i: John Beatty, lettering by Jim Novak.

r: Captain America (Marvel Comics) #269 (May 1982).

31 Next Week in-house advertisement.

32 The Amazing Spider-Man record advertisement.

What an odd cover: Ben wearing a free push-out cardboard cap, with a host of characters from Marvel Comics looking on incredulously. Much like people would stare at you if you had worn this in 1984. The sartorially-challenged Marvel Bullpen should be studiously ignored in all matters fashion related. If you didn't already know, that is.

The initial strip isn't promising - The Thing making his way through Cairo Airport after having investigated a freshly-uncovered pyramid. Internal dialogue during this opening section hints at the events of a previous adventure, where the Sphinx wrecked his Pogo Plane. I'm not sure who the Sphinx is, nor why The Thing had a plane named after an old Walt Kelly newspaper strip, but I'm sure there is an interesting story behind it.

The authorities make Ben go through a metal detector, which he wrecks, before making his way to the plane. At which point (entirely at random) a bunch of terrorists drive up, firing their rifles at security types. Ben takes them out without any trouble, then gets on the plane. Three pages of story to say, essentially, "We are starting this in the middle of a story, even though this is the first issue." A wonderful way to treat readers.

There's an interlude with a woman who shoots blasts of energy for reasons that aren't explained, before it cuts to the Fantastic Four, where Reed is working on a Beta Ray detector. Allegedly the device is to warn of any harmful radiation, but it might be to stop annoying Thor wannabes from dropping in unannounced. Alicia asks Reed why he is taking so long to cure Ben, but before he can think up a plausible excuse an alarm sounds. Reed quickly checks the monitor, and... We are back with Ben on the plane.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the script for this story was dropped, and the pages put back in the wrong order.

There's an amusing protest march outside the airport when Ben arrives in New York, with one placard reading "Bring back Stan Lee!" It is the first deliberate smile this issue has raised so far. It isn't until the eighth page of story that the mysterious woman from earlier is identified as Jocasta. There's no excuse for such flabby, incoherent storytelling, especially in a first issue of a title. If I had bought this on release I would have felt ripped off. As it is, it pains me to have handed over money for something so amateurish.

Anyway, Jocasta has a screw loose. Happens with robots all the time, but she's desperate to get fixed rather than going on a rampage. Until Reed can give Jocasta her 100,000 miles check-up and a quick service, she is placed in a spare room in the Baxter Building. One, hopefully, that contains an electrical outlet. That Reed immediately Skypes Captain America rather than doing any work raises many, many questions about the state of his marriage.

The poster, which ought to be a selling point for this issue, is one of the most disturbing images Marvel have ever published. The Thing looks like a giant, ugly baby in a blue diaper, doffing a comedy hat as if he's just stepped out of a Hal Roach comedy short. To make the image all the more horrific, his facial expression seems to be somewhere between angry and stupid. It is the kind of image I associate with Mad magazine knock-offs, and which should come with a health warning.

There's an Iron Man strip thrown in randomly, albeit one which is easily ignored.

Donald Dogfly is... a real oddity here. A Hunt Emerson strip which runs visual gag after visual gag. It is a fun strip, with a strange sense of humour, but it doesn't feel like it belongs in the same title as The Thing and other superhero types. And then there is a Captain America strip, which is a reprint of Team America's first appearance. A few changes have been made, such as the fact the cast of Cats musical aren't involved in any way, shape or form... No, wait. It is the other Team America. The pointless one.

This is bad. Really, really bad.